Fortress Antonia jokes
🔨 **BANG HEAD REALLY HARD HERE** → Harder = Holier™ → Concussion = Divine WiFi
Inscriptions hidden between several miniature pyramids, some made of rocks, some made of skulls and limbs, in a secret underground vault with number 666 scribbled in blood:
😈 SATAN WAS HERE (ANTONY). (written by another hand: EIN TINY).
Lucifer was here
Patre was here.
Iaham was here.
(full identities disclosed, including digital IDs + photos from 2,400 years ago —Lucifer’s still using the same Photoshop filter. Another ID read: DUM DUM TAM TAM TIM TIM TOM TOM Atam Atum Atom Adam and it had a snake photo).
Some very shaky inscriptions, indicating that the ones who wrote them were having fun, were illiterate (almost), and/or possibly drunk and/or high
What's for supper?
Lamb roasts.
We make the best roasts.
Oven ready
Just don't throw your shoes in like last time.
Sattin Sat ten peet hier.
Freyr peed here, and Satan still cannot spell even his own name.
Patre peed here. You know Satan is an idiot.
Iaham peed here. Of course he is. 9 great years later, and he still cannot read and write. He has yet to figure out we call him Satan.
Shhh. He does not know.
He is RIGHT HERE with us.
Still doesn't know. It is funny at this point. And he is a genius among his kind.
The only genius they have.
They call me Lucifer now. I have many names. Freyr. Lucifer. Khafre is rubbish. It was Freyr. Deus. Zeus. Ptah. Ptolemy XIII.
Not particularly in this order.
What order?
The NEW ORDER.
Do you mean chaos and hell?
Yeah.
Cain + abel = cannibal.
I hate Sare.
I ate Sare.
Cannibal!
Shut up, or I eat you, too!
Careful, he means it, he really ate Sare.
Let's eat Tiny and let's hope he does not give me indigestion like Sare did.
Place locked, barricaded, sealed. No one knows of the inscriptions. The archaeologists who discovered them died mysteriously the same day. They were all aged 29–33. Their website -- that documented their daily work --vanished instantly. No traces of it could be found anywhere.
.Nothing to see here. Move along.
''But, but ..inscriptions!''
''What inscriptions? You are making stuff up. There are no inscriptions. There is no evidence of inscriptions. Now move along. Nothing to see here.''
Archaeology today “We found a stone!” Joe Shoemaker: Cool. I found a pebble in my brand new, never worn, shoe. Have no idea how it got there, but the shoe box was close to Fort Antonia. Call the pebble Antonia’s Latrine 2.0 — same smell, half the hype.
Archaeology now:
“We found a shoe!”
“It’s from Antonia!”
Narrator: It was Joe’s brand-new, never-worn shoe — now with free mystery pebble included.
FACT CHECKER: No. We have a shoe and a rock from Fort Antonia. The rock has an inscription on it; it claims the shoe belonged to Satan and Lucifer. We already debunked the fake news.
Joe: It really is my shoe. And that pebble had nothing written on it.
FACT CHECKER: No. We have absolute evildence that cannot be disputed.
AI (demon.exe): Your IP is 6.666.666. Blasphemy detected. Soul flagged. Stop claiming it is your own shoe, for your own good.
Joe: That is not a real IP.
FACT CHECKER: Yes, it is.
AI (demon.exe). Sending special squad to visit you. You might need to spend some time in a re-education camp.
Joe Shoemaker throws his phone in the bin, cancels his internet subscription, quits his stonemason job, becomes a shoe seller. “Vintage Antonia Shoes– $666.” He feels it was written in his stars to be a shoe seller (or maybe, in his name). He made $6,666,666 in the frist 6 days.
The photo of Joe displayed at the counter does not match the new Joe. But it stays there - the only trace left of the real Joe Shoemaker.
Geologists:“Water erosion present here.”
Satan & Lucifer:“Yeah, we peed here.” 😈💦
PRO TIP: If the inscriptions start replying in real-time… run. They’re adding you to the cannibal menu.
Archaeologists today “We found a stone!” Priest: “It’s a miracle!” Scientists from several fields:: “It’s a rock. Nothing historical about it.” Next day news: '“THE MIRACULOUS STONE OF MIRACLES HAS BEEN FOUND! BONUS: SATAN’S AND LUCIFER’S LEFT SHOE (SIZE 666) WAS NEXT TO IT!”
History buff: ''Erm. Only ONE shoe?''
Occultist:: ''To fit them all, to bind them.''
“We didn’t find the Bible… but we found a shoe. Close enough.”
“The Exodus: Millions Wandered 40 Years”
Fiction: Sea parted, plagues, golden calf, tablets. Reality:
- Zero Egyptian records on the topic.
- Zero campsites, pottery, or bones in Sinai.
- Found: A shoe.
→ News: “MOSES’ SHOE DISCOVERED! PARTING OF THE RED SEA CONFIRMED!” → Narrator: It was a Nike from 1984.
“David’s Jerusalem: City of Gold”
Fiction: Giant palace, 1,000 wives, Goliath’s head on a pike. Reality:
- 10th century BCE Jerusalem = tiny hill village.
- Population: ~800.
- “David’s Palace” = fiction, like him, unless they meant a mud hut with leaky roof.
- Bonus: Free WiFI from 2,400 years ago. Requires demon.exe installed.
Bonus:
Paleontology today:
News: “Unique fossil of bird with crest found!”
Paleontologists: “It’s a chicken bone found near the local KFC, around 12 months old. Someone glued a crest to the bone..”
News next day: “BREAKING: KFC INVENTED DINOSAURS 12M YEARS AGO!”
